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Category Archives: Determination Despite Diabetes

Good Days

Today feels right. Right to be happy. Right to be working. Right to be diabetic. Right to just BE. It’s raining and dreary but for some reason, today feels like the right day to just be alive. Nothing particularly special happened today, no pivotal moments that I will note for years to come. I am just me today and I feel content with that fact. There are plenty of days in my past and sure to be many in my future where I question myself, including my health, and wish to not be something I am.

But today is not one of those days. Today, I will be me – take it or leave it, I don’t care. For today, I am myself.

As a PWD, it’s important to accept myself, broken pancreas and all. It’s difficult to know that this disease carries with it an inherent risk of complications and so many heavy emotional hurdles. And it’s hard to not focus so far into the future that I forget about the present. So I’ve been trying to focus not on what diabetes won’t let me have but rather on what I can do and can have despite a terrible disease. I’ve accept that Dee is part of life and realized that it is (to a certain extent) a controllable thing. So many other aspects of life are out of my control but this is something I can conquer, even if it is one day at a time.

I knew someday I would be a wife. Someday, I hoped, I would go soaring into my 20’s with my health (and eyes) intact. Someday I would be a productive member of society. All this and so much more, I have accomplished.

And someday I’ll be a mother. Someday I’ll be a grandmother. Someday I’ll travel more. Someday I’ll be a better boss. Someday, I’ll do all the things I’ve dreamed of doing or dreamed of becoming. I’ll work hard and achieve all the things I want in life. But today, I will just be happy with being me.

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D-Blog Week – Awesome Things

This post is supposed to be about the awesome things I’ve done or experienced because of Diabetes. I have to admit, this is a tough one for me. I have finally come to acknowledge Dee and realizing it will be with me forever but it’s hard to give credit to this disease for any accomplishment in my life. With that said…

Lately, my life has revolved around building my career and thoughts of building a family. And Dee has caused me to examine my health and what I expect from this life. Because of that, I’ve learned so much about my own health – more than most people will know about themselves EVER.

And, though I’m not at a loss for tragic moments in my life, Dee offered a perspective on hardship that I may not have realized. Although I wouldn’t wish Diabetes on anyone, I do sometimes wish those I love (and everyone else) could understand the frailty of life and the mundane, asinine things they’ve chosen to focus so much attention on. Life is tough and mine is no tougher than the person’s beside me, despite our vastly different experiences. Sometimes I think I’ve just taken those moments and centered around something better than the problem. We cannot focus on the things we would change or the actions we’ve taken but rather act now and take the bull by the horns to create the reality we wish to live out.

To date, my biggest accomplishment is my drive, determination and happiness that came with tackling life head on. I’m living as though this disease cannot stop me. I laugh like a healthy person, I have a career like a healthy person, I smile as much as a healthy person and will have a happy, successful life like any other healthy person. And sometimes, despite this broken pancreas, I think I’m a lot healthier physically and mentally than those with fully functioning organs. Whether this life I live is because of Dee or despite it, I still don’t know for certain but I will take what I’ve got smiling.

This post is part of the Second Annual Diabetes Blog Week

 

Furious Determination

Last week Friday, I stopped into my Endo’s office to pick up my Dexcom CGM (well, not mine, rather mine for a few days). The two nurses kindly gave me the low down on the sensor, transmitter and CGM receiver. The sensor didn’t hurt a bit when it was inserted. I did find the sensor and transmitter to be a little bulky under my shirt but not much more offensive than my Animas Inset infusion set. The receiver is a bit of a pain to try and hide under clothing, especially when lugging around a pump and cell phone, but I managed (see Pinning Extra Cloth into Skirt Linings). I was a bit apprehensive nervous lazy at the thought of actually counting all carbs I put into my mouth but was excited to be able to see how my numbers were trending. If you knew me, you would probably know that I’m an intense Swag and Rage boluser. despite that, I kept things in line and did what any ‘good’ diabetic should – I managed to write down every carb I ate (yes, every carb) and write out all my meter readings and meds taken. It was hard but totally worth it for everything I learned. Like the fact that I was taking far too little insulin when guestimating my carb intake at meals and I learned that my numbers would then spike quite high about 30 minutes following a meal but drop again within a few hours. I learned that I have near perfect numbers at night which is really only the result of a previous CGM experience (last time I didn’t write down carb intake at all so that data was pretty much useless besides my fasting numbers). I learned that I need to take my BS a lot more since I really had no idea where my numbers were between breakfast and dinner, subsequently not catching any of those prior mentioned highs. But more than anything, I learned that my previous knowledge of caring for Dee pales in comparison to how much I now know and continue to learn. The reality that I’ve found someone I love and want to create a family with (including children someday) has caused me to want to be as health as I can, as fast as I can. Which is why it was so hard to return that CGM today. It was a means to a better future for me, a healthy and happy future. Not one without diabetes but one where Dee doesn’t affect every aspect of my life. One where I make the decisions based on what I want to do and what’s best for me and my family, not what this disease is requiring me to do.

Walking into my Endo’s office today, I felt empowered. I was back there with 5 days worth of knowledge under my belt that I didn’t have before. I was finally, after 15 years, holding my head high because I did the best I could and felt good about that. I realized that, when I allow myself to choose and to change, I’m filled with furious determination to achieve all the things I want in life. I won’t let anyone or anything get in my way of my own happiness.